edward ohare
2006-12-23 04:18:22 UTC
The Christmas Story
A word went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world
must be enrolled, each going unto his own city. And
Joseph went to the city of David, Bethlehem, with Mary,
his betrothed, because his lineage was of the house
of David.
Joseph and Mary were not a happy couple, Mary riding
his ass all the way to Bethlehem. Joseph had not
known Mary, yet she was with child, and he was seeking
to end the relationship. At the next rest stop, they
ate, and Mary fed Joseph 3 Milky Ways and two cans of
Coke. A vision came upon Joseph (probably hypoglycemia,
based on the food consumed) in which he was told Mary
was being truthful: it was the Holy Spirit who had
known her, not a Roman soldier.
And so Joseph accepted the vision, and they continued
their journey. But when they arrived, the innkeeper
told them there was no room at his inn. (He actually
ample room, but he was an ancestor of Jerry Falwell
and so would not have an unmarried couple, woman with
child, staying at his inn.)
But Mary's time was near, and so they found a stable.
When Jesus was born, she wrapped him in swaddling
clothes and laid him in a manger.
The Three Wise Men were late, as the Star had lead
them through Carmel, Indiana, where, being dark
skinned, they were stopped by Carmel Police on the
basis of DWB (Driving While Black). But when the
Carmel Police recognized the Three Wise Men were
Arabs, they sent them on their way, assuming they
were distant, or perhaps not so distant, relatives
of the owners of the local gas stations, and they
desired not to create an incident.
In the Lord's time, it came to pass that the three
wise men finally arrived at the stable, and bestowed
upon Jesus the gifts of gold, frankensense, and
myrrah, along with advice: spread the Word the
world over.
And so they tried, but had little success promoting
the Holiday of His birth in March, as it was in
competition with Mardi Gras and Spring Break. But
the Lord sent them a promotional expert named
Jacob Iacocca who explained the problems, saying unto
them "There is too much competition in the spring.
And stand alone holidays don't make it because they
only are successful if almost everyone is off work
that day. Just take a look at President's Day.
Virtually a non-holiday because most people still
have to work."
On the advice of Jacob, it came to pass that the
Christmas holiday was moved to the existing holiday
of the Winter Solstice, when everyone was off work
(except those working in Chinese restaurants).
Cunningly adopting part of the Pagan customs -
Father Winter, the Evergreen Tree, the Yule Log,
and Reindeer - television ads were broadcast
explaining that Christmas was better than the winter
solstice celebration because it had all this plus
the miracle of virgin birth. Jacob Iacocca delivered
the tag lines of the ads "If you can find a better
holiday, celebrate it!".
And so Christmas took over the winter solstice holiday
due to a combination of astute marketing and, with
the virgin birth, having a better miracle than the
Pagan's could offer. But, as people celebrate Christmas
this year, they would be wise to remember the real reason
for the winter holiday: the days have stopped getting
shorter, they're getting longer, and spring will soon
return (northern hemisphere, which is where this all
originated anyway) which is something people don't need
three Milky Ways and two Cokes to believe.
A word went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world
must be enrolled, each going unto his own city. And
Joseph went to the city of David, Bethlehem, with Mary,
his betrothed, because his lineage was of the house
of David.
Joseph and Mary were not a happy couple, Mary riding
his ass all the way to Bethlehem. Joseph had not
known Mary, yet she was with child, and he was seeking
to end the relationship. At the next rest stop, they
ate, and Mary fed Joseph 3 Milky Ways and two cans of
Coke. A vision came upon Joseph (probably hypoglycemia,
based on the food consumed) in which he was told Mary
was being truthful: it was the Holy Spirit who had
known her, not a Roman soldier.
And so Joseph accepted the vision, and they continued
their journey. But when they arrived, the innkeeper
told them there was no room at his inn. (He actually
ample room, but he was an ancestor of Jerry Falwell
and so would not have an unmarried couple, woman with
child, staying at his inn.)
But Mary's time was near, and so they found a stable.
When Jesus was born, she wrapped him in swaddling
clothes and laid him in a manger.
The Three Wise Men were late, as the Star had lead
them through Carmel, Indiana, where, being dark
skinned, they were stopped by Carmel Police on the
basis of DWB (Driving While Black). But when the
Carmel Police recognized the Three Wise Men were
Arabs, they sent them on their way, assuming they
were distant, or perhaps not so distant, relatives
of the owners of the local gas stations, and they
desired not to create an incident.
In the Lord's time, it came to pass that the three
wise men finally arrived at the stable, and bestowed
upon Jesus the gifts of gold, frankensense, and
myrrah, along with advice: spread the Word the
world over.
And so they tried, but had little success promoting
the Holiday of His birth in March, as it was in
competition with Mardi Gras and Spring Break. But
the Lord sent them a promotional expert named
Jacob Iacocca who explained the problems, saying unto
them "There is too much competition in the spring.
And stand alone holidays don't make it because they
only are successful if almost everyone is off work
that day. Just take a look at President's Day.
Virtually a non-holiday because most people still
have to work."
On the advice of Jacob, it came to pass that the
Christmas holiday was moved to the existing holiday
of the Winter Solstice, when everyone was off work
(except those working in Chinese restaurants).
Cunningly adopting part of the Pagan customs -
Father Winter, the Evergreen Tree, the Yule Log,
and Reindeer - television ads were broadcast
explaining that Christmas was better than the winter
solstice celebration because it had all this plus
the miracle of virgin birth. Jacob Iacocca delivered
the tag lines of the ads "If you can find a better
holiday, celebrate it!".
And so Christmas took over the winter solstice holiday
due to a combination of astute marketing and, with
the virgin birth, having a better miracle than the
Pagan's could offer. But, as people celebrate Christmas
this year, they would be wise to remember the real reason
for the winter holiday: the days have stopped getting
shorter, they're getting longer, and spring will soon
return (northern hemisphere, which is where this all
originated anyway) which is something people don't need
three Milky Ways and two Cokes to believe.