edward ohare
2007-12-14 05:13:28 UTC
In stunning news just before the Christmas Holiday, the FBI DNA
testing laboratory has announced the results of their tests of minute
blood particles found on the famous Shroud of Turin, in which Jesus
was wrapped after his crucifixion. The results are conclusive: Jesus
was not fathered by the Holy Spirit.
An excerpt from the lab report states "Through testing the genetic
material from the Shroud, and cross matching of unique DNA sequences
from descendants, we have determined that Jesus and Benito Mussolini
had the same single common ancestor, a Roman soldier stationed in
Palestine."
Reaction was mixed. The Vatican guardedly observed that with a Roman
soldier as a father, Jesus could now be considered Catholic, further
supporting the current Vatican doctrine that only Catholics go to
heaven.
Pastor Roland Smith of the One Way or the Highway Persecutional
Baptist Church said "I've never been comfortable with the idea Jesus
was Jew. I'm relieved to learn he wasn't. Never liked the idea."
Others, however, are not quite as comfortable with the news. The
101st Assembly of Christ quickly changed its name to reflect the
tainting of the reference in its name. The church is now named The
First Assembly of the Tooth Fairy. "We made this change", said the
Reverend Stacy Perterowskovich, "because the evidence against Jesus is
now overwhelming. Nobody has any evidence against the myth of the
Tooth Fairy.
Meanwhile, President George Bush reacted with his typical
decisiveness. "I'm the decider", said the President "and I've decided
that Jesus was born of a virgin and is Lord and Savior. The FBI DNA
testing lab is off track and needs a new leader. I'm going to appoint
Harriet Meiers. Case closed. Now, let's get back to torturing people
to find out where the WMDs in Iraq are."
testing laboratory has announced the results of their tests of minute
blood particles found on the famous Shroud of Turin, in which Jesus
was wrapped after his crucifixion. The results are conclusive: Jesus
was not fathered by the Holy Spirit.
An excerpt from the lab report states "Through testing the genetic
material from the Shroud, and cross matching of unique DNA sequences
from descendants, we have determined that Jesus and Benito Mussolini
had the same single common ancestor, a Roman soldier stationed in
Palestine."
Reaction was mixed. The Vatican guardedly observed that with a Roman
soldier as a father, Jesus could now be considered Catholic, further
supporting the current Vatican doctrine that only Catholics go to
heaven.
Pastor Roland Smith of the One Way or the Highway Persecutional
Baptist Church said "I've never been comfortable with the idea Jesus
was Jew. I'm relieved to learn he wasn't. Never liked the idea."
Others, however, are not quite as comfortable with the news. The
101st Assembly of Christ quickly changed its name to reflect the
tainting of the reference in its name. The church is now named The
First Assembly of the Tooth Fairy. "We made this change", said the
Reverend Stacy Perterowskovich, "because the evidence against Jesus is
now overwhelming. Nobody has any evidence against the myth of the
Tooth Fairy.
Meanwhile, President George Bush reacted with his typical
decisiveness. "I'm the decider", said the President "and I've decided
that Jesus was born of a virgin and is Lord and Savior. The FBI DNA
testing lab is off track and needs a new leader. I'm going to appoint
Harriet Meiers. Case closed. Now, let's get back to torturing people
to find out where the WMDs in Iraq are."